From time to time I am reminded of an essential element of "the lifestyle"; making it personal to us as individuals. The inherent freedom to construct our consensual power exchange to reflect our own personal needs, wants, preferences, tastes and desires. But we don't do so in a vacuum. There are, all around us, influences that have profound effects upon us and our choices.
From the media stereotypes and mainstream societal prejudices, to the opinions and preferences of others in the lifestyle, we are (to varying degrees) affected by the choices of others. The net effect of such influences (in my observation and opinion) tends to homogenize the lifestyle as people "feel" less freedom to practice it to their tastes, and are influenced by the predominant (or most common) tastes of others (as well as the common stereotypes and prejudices that we have all been exposed to prior to discovering the lifestyle).
I've seen the effect this has had on the nature of what individuals describe as their submission, their Dominance, their B/D S/M activities, their methods of behavior modification/reinforcement (punishment & discipline) and many other integral parts of "the lifestyle". People, especially those newer to the lifestyle, become more of what they feel is expected of them, rather than more of who they truly are. That saddens and concerns me, because in large part, the net result is that people are not as gratified and fulfilled as they could be. And the lifestyle choices they make are not always reflective of what is best for them, as an individual. In point of fact, it removes some of the element of choice (and hence consent) when anyone makes decisions that they feel are expected of them via stereotype or prejudice. And lest anyone misconstrue what I'm saying, I'm making no reference to the expectations, obligations or responsibilities that two individuals make freely (without such outside influences) between themselves in the construct of a relationship dynamic.
One of the areas in which I've seen these influences have a profound (and often deleterious) effect is in scening. In the observation of public conversations, and the comparison of them to private conversations, I find that many individuals feel a certain pressure towards conformity. To participate in and enjoy the activities most others enjoy. To avoid those that most others do not. And to enjoy them in the same way, and with the same intensity, that most do (or would it be better said, the same way that most publicly claim to?).
And that's the focus of this article (you knew I'd get to it eventually), the intensity level of B/D S/M play activities. Judging by the public conversations (especially those prevalent in lifestyle chatrooms) you'd assume that every submissive enjoys having their physical limits of endurance pushed, and that every Dominant enjoys pushing them. I think the inference is that if you don't enjoy doing that, you're somehow less of a submissive, or less of a Dominant (and thus, the tacit influence towards conformity). And nothing could be further from the truth.
If we were to quantify "intensity" in a measurable way, and then plot it on a graph, each of us would have a chart that was unique to us all. That makes perfect sense, given that we are all unique individuals that enjoy differing levels of "intensity". Some submissives enjoy the mildest of floggings, and some Dominants enjoy giving mild floggings. That's compatibility between submissive and Dominant. On the other hand, some submissives really prefer an intense flogging, and some Dominants enjoy really letting it rip. That's compatibility as well. And then there's every conceivable level in between the mild and the wild.
But the lifestyle influence towards the pushing of limits encourages everyone to lean towards the wild. Whether that reflects their true needs, desires and enjoyment or not. Who wants to be seen as a "lesser" submissive, or, God forbid, a "lesser" Dominant? The net effect is that we often compromise our individual pleasure, in favor of our perceived reputation within the lifestyle community.
Rover«»
Copyright 2001
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